The LoD Help Me Hotline
by Graymalkin1
Summary: Part 3: When Meru is the co-host, things are bound to get eccentric! People get the CORRECT answers! Lloyd in a birdbath! Malk's muffin recipe is in jeopardy! Albert on a lawnmower? Oh well, there's always the "pinata"... RnR please!
1. Default Chapter

LoD Help Me Hotline  
  
Malk: Hello all you freaks of nature! We're live from Flower Studios in Donau to bring you all the help you need! ((And damn, if you're reading this, you need a LOT of help!)) Since Legend of Dragoon is such a challenging game, I decided one night to open up an LoD Help Me hotline and take up some calls and answer some of the more challenging questions. The phone lines will be open for THIRTY minutes, and not a second longer! To prevent myself from over-exasperation, Lloyd also kindly agreed to help me (ok, so it took SOME persuasion...*looks at Lloyd, who is hand-cuffed to Malk*). Eh hem, now, without further adieu, let's open those phone lines!  
  
PHONE LINES ARE NOW OPEN! CALL 1-800-NOODLE  
  
Malk: Uh...oops, wrong number...  
  
PHONE LINES ARE NOW OPEN! CALL 1-800-LODHELP  
  
Malk: All right Lloyd! Now we just have to sit back and wait for calls! ^_^  
  
Lloyd: -_-  
  
*15 minutes pass*  
  
Malk: ^_^  
  
Lloyd: -_-  
  
RINGRING!!  
  
Malk: Yippie! Our first caller! *picks up phone* Hello, you have reached the LoD Help Me Hotline. Ask away, cowboy!  
  
Caller 1: So, uh, this isn't that Chinese Restaurant is it?  
  
Malk: No, sorry, you have the wrong number! *click* ^_^  
  
Lloyd: -_-  
  
RING RING!  
  
Malk: *picks up phone* Hello, you've reached the LoD Help Me Hotline!  
  
Caller 2: Yes, I have a question.  
  
Malk: Fire away, sister!  
  
Caller 2: I was just wondering if it was true whether or not you could bring Lavitz back to life?  
  
Malk: No, that's not possible.  
  
Caller 2: But I read on this other site that it's possible to do that if you enter a certain code on a Turbo Controller while you're in the Wingly Palace.  
  
Malk: Well, that guy just thought of a cheap way for people to buy Turbo Controllers, huh? Besides, why would you want Lavitz back? He probably smells like moldy carrots he's been dead so long by the time you get to the Wingly Palace. I wouldn't want some rotting dude with worms coming out of his holes in his body in my party.  
  
Caller 2: So, you've tried it before and know for sure that it's not possible?  
  
Malk: No.  
  
Caller 2: Then how do you know it's not possible?  
  
Malk: Lady, I am NOT going to waste Lloyd's money buying some controller trying something that isn't possible! I hate rumors. Next caller!  
  
Caller 3: Jewel....Jeeeeeeeeeeewel.............  
  
Malk: Uh, you have a question?  
  
Caller 3: Must...beat...GRAND....Jeeeeeeeeewel....  
  
Malk: Ah, yes, the Grand Jewel, one of the hardest bosses in the game.  
  
Caller 3: Jeweeeeeeeeeeeel...  
  
Malk: Uh, yes, I'll give you some advice. First of all...  
  
Caller 3: Jeeeeeeweeeel....  
  
Malk: Um, as I was saying, don't change...  
  
Caller 3: The Jewel is EVERYWHERE!! BEWARE THE JEWEL!! GAAAHHH!!! ::click::  
  
Malk: ...........  
  
Lloyd: ........  
  
Malk: Uh, next caller.  
  
Caller 4: Can I speak with Lloyd?  
  
Malk: No. Next caller.  
  
Caller 5: YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!! I'm stuck in the Death Frontier! I've been there for weeks!! How do I get out of the Death Frontier?  
  
Malk: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Next caller.  
  
Caller 6: What the hell is that pink thing in the cup next to the Lavitz portrait in the end of the game?  
  
Malk: That, my friend, is one of the greatest mysteries of LoD that will never be solved. Next caller.  
  
Caller 7: Jewwwwwweeeeeeellll.....BEWARE.....Jeeeeewelllll....  
  
Malk: You're a goon. Next caller.  
  
Caller 8: Can I get a Minitos in my party?  
  
Malk: No.  
  
Caller 8: Why not?  
  
Malk: They're small, scrawny, and have hair the color of cotton candy so they're more likely to be eaten by your enemies. Next caller.  
  
Caller 9: Do you have a boyfriend?  
  
Malk: .......not at the moment.  
  
Caller 9: Will you go out with me?  
  
Malk: No.  
  
Caller 9: Why?  
  
Malk: I hate men.  
  
Caller 9: But isn't Lloyd a man? You don't hate him...  
  
Malk: He's a bishonen.  
  
Caller 9: What's the difference?  
  
Malk: Go ask your mother. Next caller.  
  
Caller 10: Do you have any pets?  
  
Malk: Yes.  
  
Caller 10: What pets do you have?  
  
Malk: Three cats, three betta fish, and a bird.  
  
Caller 10: Have they ever attacked each other?  
  
Malk: Yes. One of the cats is missing a paw due to my cat-eating betta, my other cat is missing her tail due to the bird, and my third cat is missing an eye.  
  
Caller 10: Why is that?  
  
Malk: He came in contact with a squirrel and it got gnawed out.   
  
Caller 10: Whoa, seriously?  
  
Malk: No. Next caller and please, let's keep this LoD related.  
  
Caller 11: I have a question for Lex Luthor...  
  
Malk: Lex...Luthor?  
  
Caller 11: Yeah, isn't this the LoD Hotline?  
  
Malk: Well, yes.  
  
Caller 11: And doesn't LoD stand for Legion of Doom?  
  
Malk: .........Well, I guess so, but it also stands for Legend of Dragoon, and that's what this hotline is for.  
  
Caller 11: Ah, damn, that game was stupid.  
  
Malk: .......  
  
Lloyd: ........  
  
Malk: Jerk. Go fall out of a tree. Next caller.  
  
Caller 12: Jeweeeeeeeeeeeeellllll....JEWEEEELL!!  
  
Malk: Uh, Lloyd, is there anyway to block this caller?  
  
Lloyd: Why don't you kill him with a hammer?  
  
Malk: Do you have a hammer?  
  
Lloyd: No.  
  
Malk: *click* Next caller.  
  
Caller 13: Can I speak with Lloyd?  
  
Malk: No. Next caller.  
  
Caller 14: Am I caller Number 10!? Do I win a prize?!!  
  
Malk: Yes. You win a kick in the pants. Next caller.  
  
Caller 15: Is there a way to turn off the monsters in Zenebatos?  
  
Malk: Yes, indeed there is. Change law 666 and the monsters will be gone.  
  
Caller 15: .........SATAN WORSHIPER!! YOU MOCK ME!!  
  
Malk: ........Actually, that IS the code, seriously.  
  
Caller 15: You will face the wrath of God you horrific spawn of EVIL!  
  
Malk: What? I say 666 and I'm automatically a devil-lover? This guy is a twisted fanatic. See you in hell, dude. Next caller.  
  
Caller 16: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?  
  
Malk: *click* Next caller.  
  
Caller 17: You're mean.  
  
Malk: I try. Next caller.  
  
Caller 18: LLOYD IS MINE YOU HEAR ME!! MINE!! MINEMINEMINEMINE!!!! YOU WILL NEVER HAVE HIM! HE BELONGS TO ME!!  
  
Lloyd: -_-  
  
Malk: Whatever J-Lo. Go annoy those boy-band chicken-haired rejects from FF8 or something. Next caller.  
  
Caller 19: How do I beat Rufus?  
  
Malk: Wrong game, loser! Next caller.  
  
Caller 20: Is this the Serial Killers Anonymous Hotline?  
  
Malk: Close, but not quite. Next caller.  
  
Caller 21: How do I remove bird poop from my carpet?  
  
Malk: Lick it. That way you'll want to get rid of your bird and never deal with the problem again. Next caller.  
  
Lloyd: Um, Malk?  
  
Malk: Yes, my love?  
  
Lloyd: .......we only have one minute left, and there's about 100 callers waiting...what should we do?  
  
Malk: Open up all phone lines.  
  
Lloyd: Are you sure?  
  
Malk: Just do it before I kiss you.  
  
Lloyd: Hurrying! *Opens all phone lines*  
  
Caller 22: Where is my sock?  
  
Caller 23: Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?  
  
Caller 24: Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeeeelllllll.......JEWEL!! THE JEWEL IS EVERYWHERE!! BEWARE THE JEWEL!!  
  
Caller 25: What's up with Rose's boots?  
  
Caller 26: Can I speak with Lloyd?  
  
Caller 27: This game is STUPID!! You're all LOSERS!!  
  
Caller 28: SAVE THE PENGUINS!!  
  
Caller 29: Can I have your kitty with the one eye?  
  
Caller 30: BANANAS!  
  
Caller 31: Is this 1-800-NOODLE?  
  
Malk: Oh dear...look at the time! Well folks, it's time to close the phone lines and I'm so terribly sorry that not everyone got a chance to ask a question, but I'm sure next time I open the phone lines you'll have a chance.  
  
Lloyd: When are we opening the phone lines again?  
  
Malk: After our vacation in the crocodile-infested swamps of Austrailia *smiles sweetly*  
  
Lloyd: Uh.....can't we go anywhere safer?  
  
Malk: Oh come on! There's nothing scary about those cute little reptiles!  
  
Lloyd: -_-  
  
Malk: Well, the plane won't wait! Until next time callers! Remember, the JEWEL IS EVERYWHERE!! Uh, I mean, good night!  
  
*runs to the airport with Lloyd* 


	2. LoD Help Me Hotline 2: Killer Sausages,...

LoD Help Me Hotline 2: Killer Sausages, Cheerleaders, and Ex-Boyfriends  
  
Note: I don't think this is as good as my first one...but RnR "ne-way puhleez"  
  
Malk: Hello again all you germs! Welcome back to the second edition of The LoD Help Me Hotline. Actually, Lloyd and I didn't stay very long in the crocodile-infested land of Australia...you see, Lloyd got in a bit of a bind...  
  
*Lloyd comes in on a wheelchair bandaged from head to toe except two little holes for his eyes and one for his mouth*  
  
Malk: ...And slipped on some brat's ice cream that fell on the floor at the airport when we first got to Australia. We had to return immediately. Poor poor Lloyd...good thing I baked him some get-well muffins!! ^_^ *stuffs a muffin in Lloyd's mouth*  
  
Lloyd: #_@ mffffmfmmfmfphfmfm...  
  
Malk: They're GOOD, huh? ANYWAY...now's your chance to call in and ask about LoD. But FIRST...I have some rules:  
  
1. Nothing about my personal life  
2. Nothing about Lloyd's personal life  
3. No, you CANNOT speak with Lloyd   
4. These muffins are NOT for you  
5. Nothing about the JEWEL  
6. Don't ask me things about other games  
7. "LOD" stands for "Legend of Dragoon" and nothing else  
8. No kids, pets ok  
9. Be on the look out for killer sausages  
10. Do not feed the cheerleaders  
11. No vegetables until you eat all your desserts  
12. If it hurts, do it  
  
Malk: Well then, I think that about covers it! Ok, now, phone lines are open for a HALF HOUR, no longer.  
  
Call 1-800-PICKLES for delicious recipes using vinegar-soaked cucumbers!  
  
Malk: Damn it, who keeps switching the numbers!? Grrrr...  
  
Call 1-800-LODHELP to answer all your questions about LOD!  
  
Malk: That's better. Now, first caller, you're on!  
  
Caller 1: Hi, I was wondering what the sachet does?  
  
Malk: You stink like a monkey!!  
  
Caller 1: ....excuse me?  
  
Malk: That's easy! It gives subtle good aroma!  
  
Caller 1: But...what does that mean?  
  
Malk: It gives a mysterious pleasant smell.  
  
Caller 1: But...what do I do with it?  
  
Malk: Use it to freshen up your bathroom after your Grandpa gets out. Next caller!  
  
Caller 2: Where is all the Stardust?  
  
Malk: EAT BEANS!!  
  
Caller 2: ...What did you say?  
  
Malk: Look, kid, that questions gonna take a long time to answer and frankly I don't have time for that. Go ponder on top of a birdbath or something. Next sap...uh, caller.  
  
Caller 3: How do I bring Lavitz back to life? I heard a rumor that you could...  
  
Malk: It's no rumor, IDIOT, just use an Angel's Prayer. Next caller.  
  
Caller 4: How do I get the treasure chests in the Snowfield?  
  
Malk: Go rot in the basement!!  
  
Caller 4: ...uh...  
  
Malk: Go up to them and press X.  
  
Caller 4: No, I mean the one down the slides...  
  
Malk: Don't bother with those. They're impossible to get.  
  
Caller 4: Then...why are they there?  
  
Malk: To make you angry and waste your time. Besides, just keep sliding down so you can see Dart fall on his ass, that's what I like to do.  
  
Caller 4: Hey, I like Dart!  
  
Malk: I do too, but it's still funny when he falls on his ass. Next caller.  
  
Caller 5: Can I pretty pretty pretty please with sugar on top and cherries and whipped cream and nuts and sprinkles and chocolate syrup and MnMs and frosting and kisses and...  
  
Malk: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!?  
  
Caller 5: ...can I speak with Lloyd?  
  
Malk: -_- Hmmm...it'll take me a long time to think about that one. Why don't you call back later? Say in about 50 years? Next caller.  
  
Caller 6: Hello, Malk.  
  
Malk: Who the hell is this?  
  
Caller 6: What, don't you recognize my voice?  
  
Malk: *GASPS* No, it can't be...  
  
Caller 6: That's right...it's me, your ex-boyfriend. I just want to let you know that this is STUPID and EVERYTHING YOU DO IS STUPID!!  
  
Malk: *sniff...sniff*  
  
Lloyd: *eyes turn red*  
  
Malk's Ex: And that Legend of Dragoon is STUPID...  
  
Malk: *whimper...*  
  
Lloyd: *Growls*  
  
Malk's Ex: And that....YOU'RE STUPID!!  
  
Malk: *bursts out crying*  
  
Lloyd: *bandages fly off and he holds up the Dragon Buster* BISHONENS UNITE!!  
  
*suddenly, all the bishonens, and a suspicious Meru, fly out of Malk's bishonen closest wearing loincloths and face paint and go to Malk's ex's house*  
  
Malk's Ex: GAH! Who the hell are all of you!!  
  
Bart from Xenogears: We're BISHONENS!  
  
Zell from FFVIII: And we HATE to see girls cry! Especially from JERKS like you!!  
  
Lloyd: ATTACK!!  
  
Ferio from Magic Knight Rayearth: SKIN HIM ALIVE!!  
  
Duo from Gundam Wing: BURN HIS NIPPLES OUT!  
  
Gene from Outlaw Star: SUCK HIS EYEBALLS OUT!!  
  
Meru: Let's BOIL HIM and EAT HIM!!  
  
Bishonens: ...........  
  
Meru: Or....not.  
  
Lloyd: Well, don't just stand there, let's hang him by his toes and use him as a PINATA!!  
  
Bishonens: YEEEEEAAAHHH!!  
  
Malk's Ex: *screams like a little school girl*  
  
Malk: The moral of this? Never break up with a girl who collects bishonens. Next caller.  
  
Caller 7: Doesn't Meru freeze her ass off in the Snowfield? I mean she's not wearing ANYTHING except ribbons...  
  
Malk: You make me want to PUKE MY GUTS OUT!!  
  
Caller 7: ......I beg your pardon?  
  
Malk: Yes, I'm sure she does. And everyone dies of heat exhaustion and dehydration if you stay in the Barrens for too long. Next caller.  
  
Caller 8: Ruff ruff!  
  
Malk: ......  
  
Caller 8: Bark bark ruff!!  
  
Malk: ....Damn it, someone put their dog on the phone. Next caller.  
  
Caller 9: What are the lyrics to the song from the game?  
  
Malk: Your mother was a radish!  
  
Caller 9: .......what?  
  
Malk: Here, let me sing them for you. *gets up on desk and starts singing WAY off key* I HAAAAAAAAAAD a DREEEEEEEEAAAM that IIIIIIIIII could FLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY!!!  
  
Caller 9: *hangs up as ears fall out*  
  
Malk: ..........huh. Everyone's a critic. Next caller.  
  
Caller 10: Are you taking applications?   
  
Malk: ...um...  
  
Caller 10: Because I'm one of the best LoD experts there is!  
  
Malk: Well...actua...  
  
Caller 10: Seriously! I mean I know where all the Stardust is off the top of my head!  
  
Malk: You see....  
  
Caller 10: AND I can master everyone's additions 100%!  
  
Malk: .............  
  
Caller 10: ...........  
  
Malk: Well, I don't...  
  
Caller 10: Besides, I know how to do all the side quests perfectly!  
  
Malk: ............  
  
Caller 10: .............  
  
Malk: ................  
  
Caller 10: .............  
  
Malk: Um...  
  
Caller 10: And I can master all the mini games!  
  
Malk: .................  
  
Caller 10: .................  
  
Malk: ....................You see...  
  
Caller 10: So do I get the job?  
  
Malk: No. Next caller.  
  
Caller 11: My characters are sick.  
  
Malk: BITE your toenails!!  
  
Caller 11: .......hey, all I wanna know is where is the Fletz hospi...  
  
Malk: Then take away their pornos, you irresponsible lout. Next!  
  
Caller 12: How come there are no bathrooms in this game? I really REALLY have to go!!  
  
Malk: ..........there's one in the Death Frontier. Next caller.  
  
Caller 13: How come Coolon only goes to some and not all locations?  
  
Malk: Go lick a fence post!!  
  
Caller 13: ...........but....  
  
Malk: Because you need to unlock the other locations.  
  
Caller 13: How do I do that?  
  
Malk: You need to change laws 647, 439, 458, 129, 230, 093, 323, 783, 598, 999, 433, 198, 567, and 643 in Zenebatos. Next caller.  
  
Caller 14: How big are your breasts?  
  
Malk: ..............EXCUSE ME!?  
  
Caller 14: I just want to know how big your breasts are.  
  
Malk: ............  
  
Caller 14: Well, how big are they?  
  
Malk: ..................  
  
Caller 14: This is KFC, right?  
  
Malk: -_- Next caller.  
  
Caller 15: What order should the balls be in on that triangle thing in Black Castle?  
  
Malk: ASSHOLE!!  
  
Caller 15: ........well, uh.........  
  
Malk: Purple on top, white on the left side, orange on the right.  
  
Caller 15: But I only have the red, blue, and yellow balls...  
  
Malk: Keep searching, they're there. Next caller.  
  
Caller 16: How do I beat Faust?  
  
Malk: Go drown in some green Jell-O!  
  
Caller 16: ............  
  
Malk: Faust? Oh, he's a toughie. I recommend drinking lots of coffee, taking some Ritalin, and having a bitchin' hair dryer ready. Next!  
  
Caller 17: I asked this before, but I didn't get an answer...what's up with Rose's boots?  
  
Malk: GET A FRIGGIN JOB YOU MORON!!  
  
Caller 17: ........what was that?  
  
Malk: She liked both pairs and couldn't decide so here's what she did: While no one was looking, she switched one kind of each boot in the box at Wal-Mart. So some other sucker out there has the second pair of the "short tall" boots. This person is probably living in a tree with cheerleaders somewhere. Next question.  
  
Caller 18: Why are you so mean?  
  
Malk: Well, I'll tell you. It all started one day at the post office. I asked the lady there for a stamp, and she said, "That'll be 33 cents". Well, I only had 32 cents at the time, so I got really pissed because she STILL wouldn't give me a stamp, even though I was only ONE penny short, and the rest is history. Next caller.  
  
Caller 19: Why does Dart have that thing on his arm?  
  
Malk: Suck eggs!!  
  
Caller 19: ....eggs?  
  
Malk: Well you see that's not his real arm. A killer sausage bit off his real arm; so he had to get it replaced. He asked a wandering elf to give him a new arm, but he had to give up something in return...and that "something" was his big toe on his left foot. The exchange was made, and now Dart has a fake, metal arm and no big toe on his left foot. Next caller.  
  
Caller 20: I've noticed something strange...  
  
Malk: GO BITE A LEMON!!  
  
Caller 20: That's my point...you seem to insult every other person that calls, and, well, it's not very nice.  
  
Malk: Huh, never noticed that.  
  
BINGBINGBING!!  
  
Malk: Well, folks, we only have one minute left, so I'm opening up all the phone lines!  
  
Caller 21: HEY! You lied to me!! This hotline is bogus!  
  
Caller 22: Ruff ruff bark bark!!  
  
Caller 23: We don't have any beans.  
  
Caller 24: Where's the best place to buy Sachets? My grandpa just ate Chinese...  
  
Caller 25: Is this 1-800-PICKLES?  
  
Caller 26: Do I get the job? Huh huh do I do I?  
  
Caller 27: SAVE THE PENGUINS!!  
  
Caller 28: Can I have a muffin?  
  
Caller 29: Can I speak with Lloyd?  
  
Caller 30: We Cheerleaders will RULE ALL ONE DAY!! MWAHAHAH!!  
  
Malk: Well, that's all the time I have today folks. Now, I'm gonna go play some Pinata...  
  
Meanwhile, at Malk's Ex's house:  
  
*Malk's Ex is hanging upside down by his toenails in his underwear and totally covered in green Jell-O*  
  
*Malk is wearing a blindfold and holding a stick, all her bishonens are rooting for her*  
  
Meru: Wait a minute!!  
  
*Everyone looks at Meru*  
  
Meru: She's gonna need a bigger stick! *Meru gives Malk her bitchin' hammer*  
  
Malk: MWAHAHA!! Prepare to get "hammered"! BANZAI!!  
  
Malk's Ex: *screams like a little school girl*  
  
  
End 


	3. LoD Help Me Hotline 3: Electric Wheelcha...

LoD Help Me Hotline 3: Electric Wheelchair  
  
Note: I hate cheese, but please RnR anyway. Thanks to a few special people who gave me some ideas. ^_^  
  
Malk: Well, hello again all you stinky dogs! I'm back due to popular demand (can you believe it!?! ^______^). We're going to do things a little differently the third time around. Caller number 8 gets a VERY SPECIAL PRIZE!! However, it's a SEEEEEEEEECRET Special Prize!! Also, since many people wanted Meru to have a bigger role...I gave her a bigger role! And good timing, too! You see, while using my ex-boyfriend as a piñata, I kind of...well, missed his head, and hit Lloyd's leg pretty hard...yeah, I broke his leg, so now I need a new co-host. Sooooooooo...welcome my new co-host....MERU!!  
  
.......................  
  
Malk: Eh HEM! Welcome my new co host........MERU!!!  
  
....................  
  
*random coughing*  
  
Malk: ............... ^_____________________^ Just a minute folks....  
  
*Malk goes behind stage* Malk: MERU! GET OUT...*GASPS!!!*  
  
Meru: Ha ha ha!! What's that Lloyd, you want ANOTHER muffin!!? *stuffs a muffin in his mouth.....btw Lloyd is still in an electric wheelchair with a cast on his leg* Oh, what did you say? Another muffin? Here ya go! *stuffs another muffin in his mouth...Lloyd's mouth is overflowing with muffins*  
  
Lloyd: mmmmmmfmemmfiphdommmmmphphmmmmm....... #_@  
  
Malk: MERU!!  
  
Meru: *looks at Malk* ..............hi!  
  
Malk: What are you doing!?!  
  
Meru: He wanted more muffins!  
  
Lloyd: -__- *mouth still stuffed with muffins*  
  
Malk: Oi......come on, you're on the air now! You can stuff muffins down his throat LATER!  
  
Lloyd: O_@  
  
Meru: Ohhhh........ok! *leaves with Malk*  
  
Malk: We're back folks, and here's my co-host..........MERU!  
  
Meru: *Jumps up onto the table* Am I on TV!?  
  
Malk: Yes, you are...  
  
Meru: YIPPIE!! Come on everyone, let me show you my new DANCE CRAZE!! Do the MERU!! *starts spinning and jumping*  
  
Malk: ....um Meru, you're blocking the hotline number.  
  
Meru: Oh, here, let me help it down. *jumps up and grabs the hotline number board*  
  
Malk: Meru, no!  
  
Meru: *pulls it down too hard, it falls on her and breaks in half* Uuuuuuuuu.....$_@  
  
Malk: -_- *sigh* Well, the number's the same folks. Phone lines are now open for a half hour, no longer. Call 1-800-LODHELP to ask questions about Legend of Dragoon. Caller 1, you're on.  
  
Caller 1: What does being "Dispirited" mean?  
  
Malk: It means that your character's soul got taken by the...  
  
Meru: It means you can't earn any Spirit Points in battle! Use a Body Purifier to cure it!  
  
Malk: ............Meru, let me handle these people.  
  
Meru: ^_^  
  
Malk: -_- ...........next caller.  
  
Caller 2: There's an arrow on Dart's head!! How do I get it off!?!  
  
Malk: Actually, that's a bomb and...  
  
Meru: That's easy! Just use the R1 or L1 buttons!  
  
Caller 2: ...........  
  
Malk: .............  
  
Caller 2: Well, thank you, thank you very much!  
  
Malk: Meru........let ME handle the calls....  
  
Meru: Okies! ^_^  
  
Malk: -_-..........next caller.  
  
Caller 3: What does A-AV mean?  
  
Malk: Assholes Annonymous...  
  
Meru: Attack Evasion Skills!  
  
Caller 3: Oh.......that's interesting...thank you!  
  
Malk: Meru.......  
  
Meru: Next caller!  
  
Caller 4: Hey Meru, where did you get your ultra-cute shoes?  
  
Malk: At the clown convention where she used to work at as a carnie...  
  
Meru: No, that's where I got you that hat you're always wearing!  
  
Malk: -_-  
  
Meru: I actually got these shoes on sale at Target! Gotta love those bargains! Next caller!  
  
Caller 5: This is gonna be a real stupid question...  
  
Malk: That's normal. -_-  
  
Meru: Just remember, the only stupid question is the one that goes unasked!! ^_______^  
  
Malk: -_- uuuuuhhh....  
  
Caller 5: If I pour milk out and it looks like cottage cheese, does that mean it's gone bad?  
  
Malk: No, it's perfectly safe to consume. You'll only suffer from diarrhea and upset stomach and other common ailments of food poisoning.   
  
Meru: EWWW!! Throw it out!! Throw it out!! Don't eat it! Just THROW IT OUT!!  
  
Caller 5: Gee, thanks Meru! You're the best!!  
  
Meru: ^__________^  
  
Malk: -_- .......next caller.  
  
Caller 6: Yes, I have a question for Meru.  
  
Meru: Go on ahead! I'm all ears.  
  
Malk: -_-  
  
Caller 6: Well, I just want to know how to beat that darned Virage hybrid in The Forbidden Land! He always kills me!  
  
Meru: Oh, that one's actually quite easy! You just guard the whole time!   
  
Caller 6: Cool! I'll try that one! Thanks!  
  
Meru: Nooooooooooo problem! ^________^ Next caller!  
  
Caller 7: Hi, MERU, um, well, last time I called, Malk gave me some pretty lousy advice on how to beat Faust...  
  
Malk: WHAT do you mean LOUSY!!? That's expert material there, you hose-sucker!!  
  
Caller 7: And, well, MERU, I was wondering...could you give me some advice?  
  
Meru: I'd be glad to! In fact, I'll give you a step-by-step guide on how to beat that big ol' meanie!  
  
*ten minutes later*  
  
Meru: And then he should pretty much be a dead duckie! Hope that helps! ^_______^  
  
Caller 7: Thanks so much!   
  
Malk: ........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........... -_-  
  
BUZZBUZZBUZZ!!!  
  
Malk: AAAAAAAAHHH!! DON'T BITE ME!! @_@ ..........oh, it's just the buzzer...and THAT MEANS!!  
  
Chorus: Caller.........NUMBER EEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIGHT!!  
  
Malk: That's right! Hello, you're on the air!  
  
Caller 8: Yeah, hi, listen, I...  
  
Malk: Do you know what caller number you are?!  
  
Caller 8: ...............no......  
  
Malk: You're....  
  
Chorus: Caller.........NUMBER EEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIGHT!!  
  
Caller 8: Uh...yeah, listen I want to speak with Meru about......  
  
Malk: And you know what THAT means, right?  
  
Caller 8: ..............no, but.........  
  
Malk: It means you win the SECRET SPECIAL PRIZE!!  
  
Caller 8: ...........and that is.......?  
  
Malk: Albert for a day! ^___^  
  
Caller 8: Albert......for a day?  
  
Malk: Yep, let me tell you about it! Albert's been training hard for the last six hours studying to become a professional landscape designer!!  
  
Caller 8: ........he has?  
  
Malk: Yep! And for one full day, he'll go over to your house and do yard work for FREE!! Pretty good for an expert, huh?   
  
Caller 8: Yeah, nice, but I wanna talk with Meru, so...  
  
Malk: Don't worry, we'll package him up and deliver him to your doorstep within the next ten minutes!!   
  
Caller 8: But I still have my quest...*click*  
  
Malk: *turns to security guards holding Albert* You heard me! Put Albert in that package and deliver him to caller 8's house!  
  
Albert: *struggling as he gets pushed in a box* YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! I'M A KING!! I WANT MY LAWYER!! Oh wait, I AM my own lawyer...I'LL HAVE YOU ALL DECAPITATED!! *is stuffed in box and sent to Caller 8's house*  
  
Malk: Next caller!  
  
Caller 9: Hi, Meru?  
  
Meru: HELLLLLLLLOOOOO!! ^___________^  
  
Caller 9: I was just wondering...where is all the Stardust?  
  
Meru: That's an easy one!  
  
Malk: Um, Meru, we don't exactly have time to ANSWER that one...  
  
Meru: Nonsense! It'll take no time at all! ^_________^  
  
Malk: Whatever........ -_-  
  
Meru: The first on is in Seles, near the graveyard, and the next few you don't get until you're in Bale, and there are some procedures you need to take before you get it and...  
  
*an hour later*  
  
Malk: -_- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........zzzzzzzzzzz.......wha, wha...where am I?  
  
Meru: And THAT'S how you defeat the Divine Dragon! Take care now!  
  
Malk: *looks at Meru's chair* Isn't that Lloyd's electric wheelchair?  
  
Meru: Well, my butt kind of fell asleep on the other one...  
  
Malk: But...what's Lloyd sitting on?  
  
Lloyd: -_- *is sitting on a birdbath* Shoo shoo...go away you pesky birds!! *slaps at them with his crutch*  
  
Malk: Well, I guess it doesn't matter...what caller are we on?  
  
Meru: 73.  
  
Malk: Oh..........CALLER SEVENTY THREE!?!? What time is it?!  
  
Meru: 10:32  
  
Malk: TEN THIRTY TWO!!?! We should have been off the air 45 minutes ago!! What were you THINKING!?!  
  
Meru: Well, there were sooooooo many people, and I just couldn't HANG up on all of them! ^________^  
  
Malk: God!! What did they all want?  
  
Meru: Well, a lot of them were from before, saying that you didn't exactly give accurate information and...  
  
Malk: ....AND!?  
  
Meru: Oh yeah, someone wanted your muffin recipe! ^_________^  
  
Malk: @_@ .........WHAT!!?! You didn't give it to him, did you!?!  
  
Meru: Well of COURSE I did!  
  
Malk: FOOL!! That was my family's super duper totally top top secret hidden behind three-metal doors homemade get-well muffins for LLOYD!!  
  
Meru: Sheesh, it just came from a Pillsbury boxed mix, don't get all bent out of shape... -_-  
  
Malk: *growls* You are SOOO FIRED MISSIE!!  
  
Meru: *disappears*  
  
Malk: ...........woah, didn't know she could do that! LLOYD!!  
  
*Lloyd limps over*  
  
Caller 73: Hello, Meru? What is the answer to 26 across on page 122 in this month's Crossword Heaven magazine?  
  
Malk: SHOVE IT! She made like a tea and got bagged!!   
  
Lloyd: -_- That doesn't make ANY sense...*sits down on his electric wheelchair*   
  
*LOUD FARTING NOISE*  
  
Malk: O.O  
  
Lloyd: -_- *stands up and takes off the whoopee cushion on his wheel chair*  
  
Malk: MERU!!!  
  
Meru: NWAYAYA!! *jumps on Lloyd's back and starts stuffing muffins down his throat again*  
  
Lloyd: #_@ MFFFFFFFTTPHHHTT!!  
  
Malk: MERU!!!  
  
Meru: Oh, loosen up Malkie-Walkie! JOIN ME!! ^_________^  
  
Malk: *shrugs* Sorry folks, phone lines are closed! *begins stuffing muffins down Lloyd's throat with Meru, when suddenly...*  
  
Meru: Uh oh...  
  
Malk: Now what?  
  
Meru: *sniff* No more muffins...  
  
Malk: Pooie...now what do we do?  
  
Meru: *looks in corner* Hey, isn't that your ex-boyfriend hanging upside down over there?  
  
Malk: Oh yeah. I had him brought down here in case I needed to talk my anger out on someone...  
  
Meru: Well, I'm pretty mad we ran out of muffins...*wink wink*  
  
Malk: Yeah, me too. *nudge nudge*  
  
Both: ^_____________________^  
  
Meru: I've got the bithcin' hammer!  
  
Malk: And I've got the blindfold!  
  
*Malk and Meru walk over to Malk's ex-boyfriend*  
  
Malk: There's just one thing that bothers me Meru...  
  
Meru: Whaz that?  
  
Malk: What were you doing in my bishonen closet the other day?  
  
Meru: Um..........that's a looooooooooong story, let's do it while we use the "piñata"  
  
*Lloyd is in the background flailing his arms and tripping over wires and camera stuff while choking on muffins*  
  
*meanwhile, at caller 8's house*  
  
*The bushes are burning and the trees are on fire...Albert is mowing the lawn on a riding lawn mower when suddenly....*  
  
ZIIIIIIIP SCRATCH ZIP ZIP RIP SHRED!!  
  
Albert: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!! MY CAPE MY CAPE!! *cape gets shredded, his head is nearing the blades*  
  
Albert: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!  
  
End 


End file.
